One of those mothers...
Thursday, June 4, 2009 at 12:19PM Walking through the house this morning, looking at the atrocious state of my kids' rooms, it hit me. I never thought that I'd be one of those mothers. You know, the ones who have children with rooms so messy that they finally just shut the door. I remember, in my all-knowing pre-children days, it was so easy to condemn mothers like those. Like the time I saw a bedraggled mom with her messy little toddler, who's shirt and face were covered with some type of filth and I actually said, out loud, that I would never take my children anywhere if they looked like that.
Oh, how the tables have turned. My kids have taken sponge baths with wet wipes in the car with their shirts so dirty we've had to turn them inside out before going into an establishment. We've had accidents where we've needed to stop and buy underwear. We once took a child to Christmas Eve church service naked from the waste down, wrapped only in a blanket, due to an unforeseen diaper blow-out just as we'd arrived, without the diaper bag.
So, now that I am officially one of those mothers, nothing shocks me and I have empathy for all those moms I've previously condemned. People without children have no idea the daily horrors that we endure when it comes to civilized living. I have a child, who shall remain nameless, who once removed his shirt to thoughtfully wipe the toilet seat of excess sprinkle. This wouldn't have been so bad if A) we'd been at home and B) he'd not put the shirt BACK ON.
When our oldest was born, I was admittedly an obsessive mom. No one could hold her unless they washed their hands and I was watching. I remember that my mother-in-law was in town for her birth. They sent us home, completely unprepared, and I never let the baby out of my sight. I did, one evening, step into the kitchen while Audra's bassinet was in the family room. She was three days old. She started to cry and my mother-in-law asked, "Can I pick her up and hold her?"
Do you know what I said? I said, "No!" It was instinctual, she was my baby, she needed me. My poor mother-in-law. I remember that I recovered, slightly, and said, "Oh, I'm sorry, yes you can. Just wash your hands."
I couldn't help myself. I was obsessed. I was a clean freak and sure that my baby needed to be bathed every day and anything that fell to the ground needed to be sterilized and sanitized before she could touch it again. When our second daughter was born just 20 months later, I was still somewhat compulsive about cleanliness and neatness. Their little nursery room was perfect, not a diaper out of order. 22 months later our first son arrived and things became more difficult. My husband and I moved quickly to zone defense, no longer able to go one-on-one and we were lucky to find a diaper. If something dropped on the floor, we gave it a little dust-off and gave it back. If a binky fell, we'll stick it in our own mouth to wash it off and back it went. Anyone who offered to hold a child got a child, no questions asked. I didn't even look to see if their hands were clean.
The real change for us occurred when our last child was born just 20 months later. With four kids all under the age of 6, things got a little crazy. Just getting places with all four kids was a major accomplishment. I remember, (and I have no idea why we thought this would be fun) we decided to take the kids to the mall. We had the boys, 2 months and 22 months, in a side-by-side double stroller and our youngest daughter, who was three, was in her own stroller. Audra, who was 5, walked independently. I have two vivid memories of that day. The first memory is the restroom. Our three year old was potty-trained, but needed to use the restroom about every ten minutes and each stop took about seven minutes. So, just as we'd get our strollers headed into the mall, we'd need to turn around and head back to the restroom. After about 40-50 minutes of this, my husband announced that he'd had enough "fun". The second memory I have of this outing is sitting in the car after we'd loaded the two strollers, the two diaper bags (which were each the size of our oldest child) and the four car seats. My husband and I climbed into the car. We were defeated - we both knew it. In the kindest, most encouraging way he reached over to hold my hand and say, "We're going to get better at this." And, with God's grace, we have.
Now, when I see mothers with dirty, crying kids, I high-five them with a look of hang in there, you're doing fine. I've even stopped to offer help. Can I hold the crying baby so you can catch the one with only one shoe? You see, we as a society should not judge moms by the exterior of their children. It's what's inside our children that we should be looking at. It's the little boy with the dirty face who stops to hold the door open for a stranger. Or the little girl with a tattered dress who helps console her crying sibling.
I've learned that a little dirt and a little mess can all be cleaned up when there's time. What's important, is what's going on inside the hearts of my children. Their rooms are currently a mess and it does drive me crazy. We've got it on our summer to-do list and I know we'll dive in and get it done. But today, we're going to enjoy something together and have a little fun. I'll just run and close their doors first.
Reader Comments (2)
Reading this made so many great memories come flooding back to the time of Audras' birth. I am so honored to have been included in sharing that special time. I am sure all young mothers, (including myself when I was there), have gone through many similar experiences as the ones you describe (even the obsessive times). As I reflect back on the thirteen years that I have observed you raising my grandchildren I want you to know that I hold you in high esteem. It is very comforting to know that they are always being taught such good values and are so well taken care of. You are an excellent mother and have always put your family first. I am proud to be your mother-in-law. Love Danna
Thank you, Danna, for your very kind words and encouragement. I have always felt badly about how I reacted when Audra cried as a newborn baby and you offered to help. Thank you for understanding that I was just a crazy new mom. I'm glad to know that you are happy with how we are raising your grandkids. We are so blessed and realize what gifts they each are. Thank you for being special to them.