Good Judgement
Wednesday, January 26, 2011 at 09:40PM I will never claim to be the world's greatest parent, but I've always given it my best, most educated effort! Frankly, I don't think there is a more important job and with God entrusting me with such precious gifts, I don't want to give less than my best. Of course, I've read lots of books over the years and many of my favorites center around the theme of Grace based parenting.....loving your children as God loves us, looking at their hearts, their motives and extending the same Grace as God extends to us. I've read Dr. Dobson, Dr. Lehman and many others who speak on the important subject of parenting.
Aside from the education I've gleaned from literature on the subject, some of the natural parenting that my husband and I do obviously comes from how we each were parented. There are things that both of us took away from our experiences as kids which we feel are useful tools and some we avoid like the plague. One of the things that I've made a conscious decision to work against is my instinct to do everything for my kids instead of allowing them to do for themselves. I call it over-nurturing, which I'm not sure is really a word but it's a concept I've come up with durning my parenting journey. Realizing early on that this over-nurturing could be a crippler to independent development, my husband and I researched the Montessori method of learning. Developed by Maria Montessori, it focuses on how a child's brain best absorbs information with self-directed learning in an environment of freedom where they master self-control.
The easiest way to describe it is a classroom set up with absolutely everything at their level....sinks, tables, shelves, etc. From the moment the kids enter the room, they are on their own. There are no real desks and the kids sit on the floor or at tables or wherever they are comfortable. They must get out "work" which is scattered about the classroom and they are free to choose any work they desire. They must finish what they start, put it away when they are through, push in chairs after they've gotten up and so on. There is much practical life to what they are doing and they gain unimaginable self-confidence doing things for themselves. They chop vegetables, they prepare snacks, they pour juice, they wash dishes, they do math, they learn letters and they just thrive. Our kids started in the Montessori program between the ages of 2 and 3 and stayed until they were 5 or 6. For me, this was a perfect way of balancing my natural do-everything nature with their need to do things on their own. It was a great, great beginning for each of them and I fully believe this is where they developed their thirst for knowledge and their love of learning.
Recently, I was reading another parenting-related book and the author talked about allowing kids to "use their own judgement." He wrote about it in the context of allowing them use of the family car and it reminded me of a friend who said her parents always told her to use her good judgement when she borrowed the car for an evening out with friends. She said they never gave her a curfew, instead they asked her to just use her good judgement, which resulted in her being extra diligent in returning home early. Hmmm, I've not yet used this technique on our kids, none of whom are old enough to drive, but the theory intrigued me.
So, days ago when our oldest daughter had to stay for practice after school while the other three did not have obligations, I decided to turn our trip out for an afternoon treat into a parenting experiment. There's been some buzz about a new frozen yogurt shop that opened not far from our house and the kids have been wanting to go. Basically, you go in and get a one-size paper bowl and choose whatever flavors, toppings and what-not you desire before weighing it at the end and paying by the ounce. So, as we're driving, I sprung my little surprise on the kids...."Guess what I thought would be fun to try? That yogurt shop where you make your own."
"What kind can we get?" One of them asked, "Can we get a topping?"
"I want you each to use your good judgement and choose an appropriate treat." I replied.
Immediately Sierra, our 13 year old daughter, began to mildly convulse. "What does that mean? I need more information. How do I know what I can and can't have? What does good judgement mean to you? I need details, I can't go in there without knowing what I'm supposed to order." All of her chaotic craziness incited panic into Colton, our 9 year old son, who almost started to cry.
Buck, our 10 year old son, totally got it and had no issues. "Sierra, it means you take whatever you'd like but you make sure to keep it reasonable."
By the time we got to our destination, the kids understood their mission. Colton was in front of me and he initially weighed each choice with great care. Buck was directly behind me and he was a definitely a young man of good judgement. Sierra trailed behind and did fairly well until she came to the 90 different toppings - some of which included WHOLE candy bars. By the time she got to the end where the scale was, she was reaching back past the folks who were behind us in line, grabbing Twix bars and Milky Ways to jam into the top of her overflowing cup. Colton saw this and yelled back for her to throw a few up to him. After each of us had weighed in, the total was $26. I put away my cash and slid my card. Clearly, good judgement did not prevail.
As the four of us sat together to eat our expensive treats, I decided to just listen to what they had to say. Obviously, Sierra caught some grief from her brothers for her $10 yogurt and as the kids asked when we could come back, it was a great teachable moment on using good judgement. As Sierra realized she could not finish what she had stuffed into her cup, but that I had to pay for, there were lessons that were far more valuable than if I had told them each exactly what they could get. Colton saw what was happening with the lesson and decided to eat all of his, despite the fact he was about to burst. Sierra left with a scowl, Colton left with a tummy ache and Buck left with his head held high.
After arriving home and getting settled into their homework, the boys began reading and Sierra came out with $10 to repay me for the yogurt she wasted, which I gladly collected as part of the lesson, which was every bit as much for me as it was for them.
Although our initial run at using good judgement caused us all a little discomfort, I like the concept and plan to implement it a bit more when it's appropriate to do so. I'm just extremely grateful that none of them drive!
Reader Comments (4)
Very sweet. I like it and shall try it with my kids... you know how we love frozen yogurt and good judgement... And you know what? I think I know which one will walk with a head held high.
You are sweet, Sylvie and yes, I do know how you love frozen yogurt! Your kids will love this place...I think all of yours will walk out with heads held high!
Hey Sheila, you are having way too much fun making “teachable moments” happen with your children, and this is one that they will be talking about for a long time! Sierra is a hoot, and, given the opportunity at her age, I would have done the exact same thing as she did, with one tiny exception……….I would have died on the table trying to eat every last bite of the junk I took! Bless her heart for not being as stubborn as I would have been, and for offering up the 10 bucks. She is way cool. By the way, I was curious about one issue that was deftly sidestepped concerning the visit to that new frozen yogurt shop. How did the blogger fare as she went through the line with a big bowl and all those choices? Was there the need for two extra workout sessions the next day, or just one :-) Randall
Thanks, Randall! I do try really hard to make teachable moments fun and memorable....there were lots of good lessons here. Sierra is funny and I only wish I would have snapped a photo of her yogurt cup, overflowing with candy. Colton was definitely more like you and powered through his cup despite the fact it was twice as big as his stomach. He whimpered all the way home.
As for me, I went in thinking I wouldn't get one. (I was just planning to watch.) Temptation got the better of me and I managed to check out with a $2.97 cup...definitely the best judgement in the group, but unnecessary calories. I did go to the gym tonight and hope to continue burning off my indulgence :)